Although communication
is something that we all do naturally every day, it is something that many of
us do not fully understand. When we
communicate we use body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, body
placement and a number of other ways to communicate how we are feeling and what
we are thinking. Many of these things we
do completely subconsciously, learned over time, through the culture around
us. If we can learn to govern and
control the way we communicate we can be much more effective and eventually be
able to master the messages we want to deliver to others.
In chapter 4 of the
book Messages: The Communication Skills Book, the authors discuss body language
and how much of a large part of communication it is. They state, “You “can’t not” communicate with
others. Without saying a word, you
reveal your feelings and attitudes” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009 p.
44). They go on to state that
“Understanding body language is essential because over 50 percent of a
message’s impact comes from body movements” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009,
p. 44). To add to this, stress, hunger,
anger and various situations can lead to miscommunications or frustrations that
we did not intend. There have been many
times that I have either miscommunicated to someone, or misinterpreted
something someone was communicating to me.
I have been fortunate
enough to have had the chance to travel quite a bit around the world. I have lived in several different countries
and have experienced the cultures and diverse methods of communication in each
of those cultures. Even within the United
States, people communicate differently.
Their mannerisms, hand gestures and tone of voice will vary greatly from
California to New York to Alabama.
Years ago I went on a
backpacking trip through Europe with my cousins. We travelled from Italy to Germany to
Ireland, Scotland and London. At one
point we were driving around in Scotland completely lost. We decided to stop and ask for directions
from a cab driver. What happened next
threw me off because of the culture I grew up in. Where I grew up if you used the “F” word it
was only because you were extremely angry with someone, a situation, or you
were hurt. This was not a common word
where I’m from and is considered highly offensive. As we approached and asked the cab driver to
directions he seemed more than happy to help.
He proceeded to give what I think were directions to where we needed to
go. The only word I understood that he
was saying over and over was the “F” word.
Everything else was said with an extremely thick Scottish accent that I
could not make any sense of. He did
however drop the “F” word probably 100 times within a couple of minutes. I could not for the life of me understand
what would constitute so much anger towards us and I could not understand
anything else he was saying, so I wasn’t sure if he was going to help us or
kill us. A few minutes later he realized
we were completely confused and jumped in his cab and gestured for us to follow
him. We reluctantly got in our rental
and followed along. Some ten minutes
later we ended up at our destination. We
thanked the driver and went on our way.
In this situation, had
I been too quick to judge the cab driver, and reacted solely based on my
comprehension of his words, I probably would have punched him square in the
face thinking he was getting ready to pick a fight. Because his body language and tone of voice
told me differently, I listened closely and realized he was being helpful,
friendly, and went out of his way to make sure we could get to our
destination. The difference in cultural
communication was astounding to me and I have never forgotten that experience. In the text the authors make an important
statement about body language. They
state, “Another reason to pay close attention to body language is that it is
often more believable than verbal communication” (McKay, Davis,
& Fanning, 2009, p. 44) . By following the nonverbal cues of the cab
driver I was able to ascertain that he was being friendly and helpful rather
than threatening. I use this story as a
lesson for others. Before you judge
someone, make sure you truly understand them.
Don’t go off of just what they are saying or what message you think they
are trying to get across. Watch the
levels of body language, tone of voice, proximity and other factors. If you are in a foreign country or they are
from a foreign country make sure to gather some information on the customs and
courtesies of that country. If you are
still confused, continue to ask questions until you can fully assess the
situation. Over the years I have had the
chance to travel to different parts of the world and meet people from different
cultures. I have always tried to listen
and watch them carefully so that I can understand the way they
communicate. Because of the lessons I
have learned over the years I have been able to avoid situations that could
have turned out terribly just because of some miscommunication.
Another situation that
happens frequently between me and my wife is the way I communicate with her
when I am hungry. I did not know this
was the case for a long time. When I get
hungry, I usually get angry, cranky and short tempered. I will snap quickly for no reason and
misinterpret the things she is saying.
Over time she has begun to see the change in temper, body language and attitude
and the way I talk to her. By nature I
am not a short tempered person. I do not
anger quickly or easily, so when I do it usually means there is something
wrong. That something usually means lack
of food. As she begins to see these
signs she will remind me that I am hungry, or kindly ask me if there is
anything I would like to eat. Usually by
this time, however, I am too cranky to decide on what food I want, so she will
just grab me something and make me eat it.
Within the next few minutes, I will be back to my normal self and all
will be ok. Learning to ignore the
things I say and my poor attitude in these situations has not been an easy
thing for her and she has had to learn to read my body language and listen to
my paralanguage rather than just listen to the words I am saying. There are times when I am tired or hungry and
the way I talk begins to change, how much and how quickly I talk also
changes. Being able to listen for and understand
these changes can make a difference in your ability to communicate.
In the text the authors
state, “If you did not vary your pitch, resonance, volume, tempo or rhythm as
you spoke, you would sound like a robot” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning,
2009, p. 55) . Because my wife understands and knows the way
I normally talk, it can be easy for her to spot when something is wrong when
those things change. It is also
important to catch and recognize these changes within myself. Over time I have tried to adjust the way I
talk when I begin to feel angry. For
myself I know that I either need some food or I need a few minutes to calm down
and think about what I am doing wrong in the situation.
On the flip side, I
have had to do the same thing when it comes to my wife. She gets anxiety and pent up energy
easily. If she does not work out by
midday she becomes short tempered, emotional and often cries for no
reason. I used to get very frustrated
over this and an argument would ensue usually over something irrelevant and
stupid. Over time, I learned to
understand my wife better and would ask her if she had the chance to work out
that day. Usually the answer was no, or
something had happened that caused her workout to get cut short. I would suggest that she go on a run, or get
out and go to the gym. Without fail,
every time she did this she would come back in a much better mood, smiling and
happy. When I learned to read her body
language, facial expressions and paralanguage I was often able to see the shift
in behavior and suggest things that may help her rather than getting frustrated
at her words and starting a fight.
Over time I have
learned to be a much more patient, empathetic and insightful listener and
communicator. I have learned to adjust
my voice, tone, words, body language and mannerism to my surroundings. Hopefully I will be able to continue to improve
on this and improve my ability to read the way others communicate with me and
adjust the ways I communicate with others.
References
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages:
The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications,
Inc.
No comments:
Post a Comment