Years
ago I was sitting in the Mission Training Center in Provo Utah. We had just finished a meeting with all 2000
missionaries in attendance. After the
meeting I saw a friend of mine from when I lived in Kansas. We began talking and catching up on the years
since I had seen him last when another friend of mine from when I lived in
Arizona walked up and joined the conversation.
Less than five minutes later another friend I had known from my time in
Washington and then another from when I had lived in Utah in Junior High. I realized quickly I was talking and catching
up with five different people I had known from different parts of my life and
different places I had lived. None of
them knew each other, however, I had known them all.
Anybody
that has either spent time in the military or grown up in a military family
understands the constant moving and change that goes along with it. Growing up, even after my dad got out of the
Army we still moved every few years. In
my 31 years of life, the longest I have ever lived in one location was three
years. This has only been the case twice
for me. Once in Kansas and once in
Utah. Every other place we lived we
moved either every year or every two years.
This constant change forced me to have to open myself up and get to know
people. I have had to learn to relate to
people on different levels and different interests. I did not have the luxury of growing up with
lifelong friends with years of experiences we had had together. Because of this constant moving I had to
learn to grow and adapt with each place I moved.
When
I was younger and into my high school years I did something I think most people
do that inhibits their ability to have fun and meet new people. I thought too much. Talking to a co-worker of mine yesterday she
explained what it is like for her to meet a new person. She thinks about everything she should say,
do, look at and react to. She then
rethinks each thing and then gets nervous because she is constantly worried
about what she could possibly say or do wrong.
In the book Messages the
authors talk about this. They state,
“Fear of strangers comes from two sources: outmoded nineteenth-century social
restrictions and your own self-depreciating internal monologue” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009, p. 144) . By doing this we view ourselves as “someone
inferior, unworthy, and unattractive” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning,
2009, p. 144) . I would often do this to myself in high
school. If I decided I liked a girl or
wanted to hang out with someone I thought was better than me I would enter into
a spiral of negative self-thoughts. Over
time I had to teach myself to quit thinking so much and just learn to enjoy the
people around me. I began to not worry
so much about what other people thought and worried more about doing what I
thought was right. As I began to make
this change in my own life I saw drastic changes in my social surroundings. I had more friends, closer friends and had
less problems meeting girls.
Because
I am human and am not perfect I still struggle with self-doubts and the idea
that I am not as good as other people. I
learned a long time ago from my uncle that although I may not be taller,
stronger, faster or smarter than someone else, none of this matters because
there are plenty of other things in life I can control. I can control what I do, how much I study,
how hard I work and my willingness to take care of others. The book talks about two basic rules when
approaching others. If we follow these
two rules we can forget about all the negative thoughts, rejection and problems
that come with day to day life. The
first is “give what you would like to receive” (McKay, Davis,
& Fanning, 2009, p. 146) and the second is
have “an outward rather than inward focus” (McKay, Davis, & Fanning,
2009, p. 146) . This essentially means that we pay attention
more to the other person rather than what our next statement or action is going
to be. By following these rules we can
act more natural, friendly and helpful towards other people and in turn be able
to more naturally draw people towards us.
As
I have naturally learned to follow these basic rules in my life I feel like I
have become a better person, a more natural leader and someone that people feel
the desire to spend time with and talk to.
I am not perfect in asking people about their lives, work and their
hobbies. Sometimes I make the mistake of
wanting to talk about myself because it is easier. I hope to continue to learn and grow and
become a better active listener, learn more about body language and how to not
only listen to people, but also show that I am listening to them. I can then apply what I’ve learned about them
to help them with their situations, work and lives. A couple of years ago I told one of my airmen
that I would take her night time security shift for her so she could attend a
class. I did not think much of it, I
just wanted to make sure she could keep her grades up. I did not know her that well at the time,
however, this made a lasting impression on her and she has told other people
what I did. It was not a huge gesture by
any means, but it did enable me to be a better leader and take care and leave a
lasting impression on someone without even knowing them all that well.
References
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages:
The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications,
Inc.
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